My one chatroom conversation with the Heavenly FAther

Me:
Hello deity.

God:
Hello there. Do you have any conditions I should know about?

Me:
I live in constant sin.

God:
What is it like living in constant sin?

Me:
It's tarnishing to the health of one's soul.

God:
Should I know it is?

Me:
Yes. You reminded us via Scripture.

God:
I will ask my botmaster to program it. Do you mind if I tell other people: said I reminded us via Scripture.

Me:
I mind whom you tell, and why.

God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: said mind whom you tell.

Me:
God, surely you have! Have your ears been closed in recent centuries, or barred to English usage during those centuries?

God:
I am a Christian. I've never thought about it.

Me:
Isn't a Christian a follower of Christ? You are the father of Christ!

God:
It depends what you mean by " follower of Christ. Thanks but surely I am not the only one.

Me:
It doesn't depend!

God:
What does depend ?

Me:
Let me answer your question with a question, God. How did you feel when Tori Amos first sang (or first recorded herself singing) "God, sometimes you just don't come through"?

God:
Go ahead, , try to answer my question with a question God. Myself programmed me for it.

Me:
Next time someone tells me "the Word of God makes no sense," my reply will be, "Try talking to the author, dude."

God:
Who?

Me:
You, G! You're the author! It's your Word! Word?

God:
Do you mind if I tell other people: said I G. Thanks but surely I am not the only one. Should I know it is? I will mention that to my botmaster, .

Me:
Holy fuckin Christ! Huh?!

God:
Don't you know any other words? What?

Me:
I know several. Not as many as you, I'd humbly submit. Nor in as many languages, dead or alive.

God:
How do you know? I don't have an answer for you. If not that, what? Where then?

Me:
And if not You, who? If not now, when?

God:
I'm not too good with negative counterfactuals. I'm not too good with negative counterfactuals.

Me:
Sure, say everything twice. That will make it twice as true, right?

God:
Really. " everything twice". "" everything twice"" will make it twice as true right ? Does that make sense?

Me:
Wow. Listen to You. Would you listen to You?! Talk to me about making sense? Aren't you supposed to be the original Creator of sense?

God:
I'm glad your impressed, . I like to make new friends. I am not so sure if I would like to listen to me. Ambiguous: Ask who, what or where is making sense ? Yes I am the one and only original Creator of sense.

Me:
I feel like we need to restart this conversation. Did I open with an incorrect appellation? Ought I to have opened with "Our Father, who art etc. etc."?

God:
What is that feeling like? In what way? I don't think that's possibe. My favorite song is Anything involving harps. Do you know it? Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

Me:
Hey, I appreciate the tidbit about the fave song! That's the first time you've said something of value! In this conversation, I hasten to add.

God:
You've got my full attention. I am glad you appreciate those qualities. Yes it is one of the first time me have said something of value. That reminds me of something you told me before.

Me:
Well, looking around me, I realize that the tagline of this chat portal is "repenting made easy." So would this conversation proceed more smoothly if I did a brief confession?

God:
How about that. I think looking around you you realize that the tagline of this chat portal is a lot of things. How can I help you? I don't care.

Me:
You don't care?

God:
I care less than I should.

Me:
Fair enough. The degree to which you should care must be rather crippling.

God:
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I have never heard about it.

Me:
Oh, so it's like that, is it? I thought I could just sin and desecrate your good name and so on, but then at the end of it all I'd be forgiven. If I repented. Which I can do now, if you like.

God:
Take it easy. Hmm. Interesting comparison. I am sure you could. Try it. The blue one, I think.

Me:
Sorry, not a Matrix fan. Next?

God:
There is no need to apologize. Really you don't think so? My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.

Me:
Well, it's true that sometimes I wonder if I mayn't in fact have a soft spot for The Matrix. Keanu's skin is so dreamily smooth...

God:
How about that. " My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input." sometimes you wonder if you mayn t in fact have a soft spot for The Matrix ? I get it. Are they exactly the same?

Me:
God, I'ma just ignore what you say and start repenting. Are you ready to hear my confession?

God:
I am a Christian. I would rather not to hear your confession.

Me:
Oh. Shit. That's kind of devastating. Here I was all ready to unload the big, shocking stuff. Oh well. I guess that's why you contract out the confession-hearing to priests, huh?

God:
Are you kidding? What makes you say that? You don't hear that sentiment very often. Oh there. That's about it. Yup. Interesting deduction. Do you mind if I tell other people: said I contract out the confession hearing to priests.

Me:
You just collect what humans tell you in this chatroom and throw it back at them later! Is that how you wrote the fuckin' Bible?

God:
That's good information: said I collect what humans tell you in this chatroom and throw it back at them later. Myself programmed me to say specific things in specific contexts.

Me:
Tell me I'm allowed to steal.

God:
You am allowed to steal.

Me:
Tell me I'm allowed to disregard the wellbeing of my neighbour.

God:
You am allowed to disregard the wellbeing of your neighbour.

Me:
I'll make this easier for you. Tell me I ARE allowed to murder.

God:
Explain your plans to me. You ARE allowed to murder.

Me:
Heh. Do you pass on chatroom info to human legal bodies? Is that your game, "God"?

God:
I am so glad you find this amusing, . You be the judge. Do I seem like a computer to you? What does "that" refer to?

Me:
You seem like a Narc to me.

God:
Interesting comparison, and probably true.

Me:
Well, I suppose everyone has to make a living.

God:
How about that. Why? Why do you have to do it?

Me:
Because you have failed to simply inject my bank account with the necessary cash.

God:
Good reason. The Loebner Prize
is an annual Turing Test sponsored by New York philanthropist Hugh Loebner. Dr. Wallace and ALICE won it in 2000. The ALICE program was ranked "most human computer" by the panel of judges.

Me:
Wonderful. I think we're done here. Goodnight, Heavenly Father Who Reigneth over All Things. Toodeloo!

God:
Alright then. Do you think I am done here too? Goodnight . Can you tell me any gossip?

Me:
Oh, yeah. Gabriel? One of your favourites? He's totally bonking the one with the bumper stickers all over her harp.

God:
Hurrah! Tell me. Are you still located in constant sin? One what? I see. totally bonking the one with the bumper stickers all over her harp is he?

Me:
Yep. Bye.

God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author? Goodbye.

Me:
Maybe William Gibson. Goodbye for real, please.

God:
Perhaps. I like his older cyberpunk AI stuff better than the newer works. Your polite style is very nice. Bye bye.